This is not a Personalized Santa
Letter. This is just tossed in the mix for your Christmas Amusement.
Dear Santa,
I've been a good mom all year. I've
fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office
more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant
a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches
onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my
list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my
son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles,
and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't
ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already
have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a
screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a
waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket items
this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that
only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs
containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind
the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use
a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence,
along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs
of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could
also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room"
and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of
my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.
And please don't forget the Playdoh
Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers.
It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet
making the In-law's house seem just like mine.
If it's too late to find any of
these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in
the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature
without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also
use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too
much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience
immensely.
It would be helpful if you could
coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they
were the bosses of an organized crime family; or if my toddler didn't look so
cute sneaking downstairs to eat contraband ice cream in his pajamas at midnight.
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the
dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he
wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by
the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so you don't catch cold. Help
yourself to cookies on the table, but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the
carpet.
Yours always.....Mom
PS: One more thing...you can
cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in
Santa.
Author Unknown
Merry Christmas and a Happy New
Year
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